The refuge of straight white men
Last night I went to a party. The contents of this party? Gay men and their fag hags. The host told me I was the only queer female in the apartment. Being the “token lesbian” in a group of gay men, I am used to situations where there are barely any females; however, I was not prepared to deal with so many straight women.
My main conversation partners were men, but somehow I strayed and ended up having a one-way conversation with one of the women. We are both South Asian and she assumed that I was straight. I was baffled at what came out of her mouth.
Somehow, she started talking about dating and men. Apparently South Asian men are horrible to date and “white guys are so refreshing.” Huh? Although I can understand where she is coming from, I was slightly confused. How many South Asian men has she dated? How many white men has she dated? How much of her statement was based in stereotypes?
I was so shocked by her comment that I just smiled politely and let her go on talking – she did not mind that I had not said one word since I sat down beside her. At the time I wondered if I should have opened my mouth to come out as queer and present my personal dating dilemma…it did not happen.*
What disturbed me most about her words was that she was so blatantly gung-ho about dating white men and thought it was a solution to the ill treatment of women. She was proud of the fact that she was stereotyping and discriminating.
I agree with her that ill treatment of women should not be tolerated, but I do not agree with her in exclusively dating white men to find refuge from such treatment. White men are just as capable of being sexist as men of colour are. Furthermore, based in my experiences of meeting and knowing straight white men, their privilege has allowed them to be louder and more open in degrading women.
I understand that different cultures treat women differently, but you cannot assume how someone will treat you based on their racial/cultural background. People have the ability to form opinions apart from their upbringing or culture, whether those opinions be sexist or anti-oppressive.
* My dilemma is similar in a sense that I tend to be sexually involved with white people. I am trying to understand why as I feel uncomfortable with it.
on October 25, 2008 on 4:45 pm
This is such a good post!
And I have to say that different cultures have different modes of oppression.
on October 25, 2008 on 5:43 pm
[...] Original qeewi [...]
on October 25, 2008 on 8:33 pm
ahhhh, you should have spoken up!
this topic is near and dear to my heart lately. People who think that need to be told a thing or two!
on October 25, 2008 on 10:15 pm
I know, I have plenty excuses why I didn’t at the time. If I see her again tonight I will not stay silent!
on October 29, 2008 on 6:57 am
I am writing a personal piece tentatively called “Why I Can’t Date (White)(Men) – Identity and Desire”, which is heavily in the works, but it basically rests upon the following:
The politics of identity, particularly if you are aware of / educated in subjectivities (ability, age, gender, race, etc.), certainly create tension. Heterosexuality and whiteness are often discussed in contexts of male dominance/female subordination, white supremacy, the c-word (capitalism, that is), and all sorts of other -isms and phobias. The idea of pandering to these ideologies and “norms” is seemingly conflicted with the solidarity that the anti-oppressive framework calls for. Simply put, it feels like a cop-out to date (white) men.
The anxiety and ambiguity lies in reconciliating political identities and living out desires. A vast majority of my past relationships have been with white women. I often, if not incessantly, ponder the interrelationship between my politics, desires, and the social reality. Because I am monogamous, would dating men mean I am inevitably slipping into socially-approved heteronormativity? Are my suspicions of Orientalism preventing a wonderful, life-changing experience? Am I surrendering my social leverage? Does my desire for white women infer some form of self-hate? Perhaps I do want some form of social approval after all – white femininity is neat drawer of ideals from which I can borrow to clothe myself? There is so much – too much – to question, to say.
I am trying to learn about the creation, management and rejection of my own desires. I’ve found reducing my desire alleviates anxiety, but I know that’s no long-term fix; I don’t intend on achieving Buddhist enlightenment. The more you know the less you know.
Given such, what I mean is – I would’ve been silent in your situation as well.
on October 31, 2008 on 8:56 pm
Karen, I really appreciate your comments and I’m relieved to know that I am not alone. I would love to read your piece when it’s done.